Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
