The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
