I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
