I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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