Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
