I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
