clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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