The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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