the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I wish there were birth control emojis
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
