every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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