in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize