just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
