Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
