I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
