david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
