apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize