My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
