super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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