I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
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