My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
