and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
