so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
