so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
