If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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