Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
