I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
