i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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