are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
