I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
