I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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