I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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