she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
