11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
