you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize