Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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