I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
