I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
