im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she peed on how many people?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
