so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
