Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
