I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
