Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You have to summon your inner elephant
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
