My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
