it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize