if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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