She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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