we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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