Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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