The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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