i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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