My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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