The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
