I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
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