upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Randomize
