Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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