Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
