Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
