Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
