she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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