Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
