i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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