you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
