she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
bring money and cleavage
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
