I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
