Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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